A good friend suggested that I write, and I like writing so I thought it was a great idea. The last few weeks have been kinda rough so I'll give you the rundown. The bad, the ugly but then the good since I want to finish on a positive note.
I have S.A.D.
Its exactly what it sounds like. Seasonal Affected Disorder. Its a form of depression that occurs when people don't get enough sunlight and such. And, well....let's just say that Wisconsin's nickname isn't the "Sunshine State". Especially during the winter. If you haven't ever experienced it I will do my best to describe.
It is the feeling that you don't ever want to get out of bed. To me it feels like loss. I feel each and every loss deeply. First I feel as if I've lost all the passion and dreams that I've conjured during spring and summer months. I lack motivation of any kind. I also feel the loss of relationship. I long for the way things were and it cuts deep inside that things won't be the way they were ever again. Instead of embracing the future I end up lost in the past. Sometimes it feels like failure. Sometimes it feels like worthlessness.
Essentially during the winter I feel drained in every possible way. Physically, mentally and emotionally. This is a reality.
I used to have meds but right now, financially I can't afford them.
(p.s. if you are reading this and think this blog will be purely complaining, stick it through because that isn't all there is! I am merely trying to articulate, honestly, real feelings and struggles)
Work has thus been a challenge. I want to meet my goals but have difficulty doing so. I can't really focus.
I also feel lonely. I tried to share this with a friend but I don't think she really understood. Hell, I don't think I even understand. I mean, I have a great family and friends and yet around this time of the year I feel the loneliest I do all year.
Sometimes I wish I could be like other people and genuinely enjoy winter. To not have to fake a smile and just ride it out...
Here's the ugly part.
If I'm not careful, I start to believe these feelings.
I begin to think that I am truly all alone.
That I will never be loved or known the way I desperately wish to be known.
That I will never find a corresponding strength who I can share life and treat like a princess.
That my existence is insignificant.
That God made a mistake.
Oh the list goes on.
This is the ugly truth. These feelings are real. They are real emotions that threaten to swallow me whole. To become my reality.
I know myself well enough by now to know this is true.
Many people don't understand this. They say that you are having a "pity party". It seems as if they think that those who suffer from Seasonal Affected or any kind of depression for that matter enjoy being miserable.
This is not true.
I don't enjoy this.
And I also don't wish this on anyone. It needs to be talked about and it needs to be dealt with.
Here is the good side. I want to share it to you in the Apostle Paul's own words
" I was given the gift of a handicap to keep me in constant touch with my limitations...At first I didn't think of it as a gift, and begged God to remove it. Three times I did that, and then he told me, My grace is enough; it's all you need. My strength comes into its own in your weakness."
-2 Corinthians 7-10
God doesn't come into an individuals life to be their genie. A relationship with God is not trouble free and I think a lot of people expect this and end up very disappointed when this doesn't happen.
What he does promise is sufficiency.
He promises that I will be taken care of, even if the road isn't an easy one.
My faith is not derived from feeling. Its derived from the truth that no matter how far I fall He is there to catch me every time and to restore me.
I am weak but He is bigger than the weakness I feel.
That is what truly matters.