Tuesday, February 8, 2011


Everybody wants something. We long for things. And this longing is perfectly normal, it's within us and a part of us.

But something got messed up. I mean really messed up.

When I look around I see the human condition, and that condition is a desire for the things that destroy. I had a friend tell me once that it's really fucked up that the people who try to do the right things and the good things in life are the ones who get stepped on. The "bad" people are the ones that get rewarded and reap the benefits.

After all, evil spelled backward is really "live" so maybe all this societal taboo on the things that are bad are really just repressing us from living freely and fully. I'll take it a step further...

Maybe this Christian thing is the true evil, and it holds people who should happily indulging the desires of their heart in captivity.

There are some who think that. Really. Truly.

I'll be honest, sometimes I completely 100% agree with my friend. It is so much easier to go the route that everyone else seems to be going. I mean, heck, I can't even count the number of times this winter I've wished I could be drunk or high just to kill the feelings inside.

But the more I understand about my nature, I know that it would be a foolish move for me to just go with my desires and feelings. It is the human condition. The things that we think give us life and freedom, oftener than not lead us into a darker place than we could ever imagine. Conversely, the way that may seem the oppressive one leads to a freer life than one could ever fathom.

Am I saying everyone who gets drunk is a slave to alcohol or will regret it for life? Absolutely not! Am I saying that sleeping around won't feel good at the time and somewhat alleviate loneliness? Not at all.

Doing the "wrong" thing gives a rush that can definitely imitate life. It's exciting. Makes you feel so great that you are alive and living in the moment!

But honestly, alcohol never made any of my problems go away, oftener than not it made my problems worse. Drugs don't work either. Because you always eventually come down. You eventually have to face yourself, unless, of course, you have the bankroll to keep you doped up for the rest of your life.

Companionship without commitment can satisfy...temporarily. But in the end you find yourself sleeping alone again. Just as lonely as before.

My own father, caught in a string of affairs, thought that he was living an exciting exhilarating life. However, by indulging his desires, it affected more than just himself. It affected his family. It caused unspeakable pain to my mother. Nobody wants to talk about consequences resulting from living in the moment...it's too uncomfortable. It hurts too much.

The things our society glorifies as filling, and all you could possibly want or need are not, and won't ever be enough.

It was John Rockefeller, one of the leading authorities on wealth, who (when asked about how much money could one make to be satisfied) replied:

"Just a little more."

So clearly wealth won't ever completely satisfy a person...

Seems like a no win situation, this happiness thing.

Fortunately there is more to life than just living for our heart's desires. There are good people in this world and they do make a difference on a daily basis.

They serve others. Treat others as better than themselves. Help those who have little to nothing.

They are filled with a happiness that cannot be manufactured or duplicated. The fullness of life emanates from them and they refuse to give in or conform to the world's standards of "living it up."

It is my hope and aspiration to be among this group.

I am not completely there yet, there are many times when I'll agree with my friend and lose hope. There are many times that I'll want to just give in and live however the hell I want to live regardless of those around me and how they feel. 'Cause it feels so right and so easy.

But then I'm gently reminded of the fact that my life is not my own. That I am only here because of grace and that I need to spend my life emulating that fact.

I fail often, but that's the beauty of grace now isn't it?

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