Last night the message at Cru was on shame and it was pretty sweet.
Kyle, the speaker, talked about his past and how he spent much of his earlier years feeling worthless. Carrying feelings of shame with him. What he said really resonated with me.
See, shame (like many other things including depression) has this tendency to tear us apart inside.
Not only that, but it also makes us feel so alone. This is a deep struggle for me.
Understand this, I have had many many great people in my life, this is not a product of poor relationships. I have had a great family, this is not a byproduct of how I was raised.
It's very interesting how, even someone growing up with the positive environments and opportunities I have been exposed to, could feel so worthless and disgusting. Much of my life I've felt that I'm not good enough.
I've allowed shortcomings and failures of the past to not only shape me, but define me...at least in my mind. But these things have the uncanny ability to manifest themselves on the outside in different ways.
Shame makes you want to punish yourself.
Shame tells you that you deserve it because you are a stupid and worthless waste of life.
And what is inside generally comes out.
For me this happened to be self-injury coupled with self-deprecating speech.
I'm glad Kyle spoke about this last night, because it helped remind me that I am worth something. God hasn't written me off because I fall short, in fact, He loves me despite all of that junk!
I periodically need to be divinely nudged by these little instances... I still have a lot of healing to do, and a lot of old habits and tendencies that need to be broken; but with His grace I can do all things...