Wednesday, May 11, 2011

The Passive Prince

You know the Disney movie Snow White?

She lived with the seven "little people"...

Well, there is a scene in the movie that drives me absolutely crazy, and not in a good way.

First, a tad bit of background info...

So... Snow White is living in the woods with her seven roomies and thinking she is safe.

The wood cutter guy (a subject of the Queen, who actually doubles as a hit man) saved her earlier in the movie, and lied to the Queen about knocking Snow White off.

The Queen (our antagonist in this delightful little flick) is apparently a narcissistic, egotistical bitch, who can't stand to have someone better looking than her in all the land. So the natural solution to becoming the fairest in the land is to eliminate the competition...

Can you say, pre-stages of botox abuse coupled with fascism?

Anyway, the Queen finds out from her magical mirror that she (Snow White that is), is still alive and, sadly, is still better looking then her old-middle-aged-ish self.

Apparently, good help is hard to find, even in the realm of fairy tales.

So the Queen decides, not to replenish her stock of Mary Kay concealer and satin hands set, or to hop on the treadmill a bit each day, but rather she elects to go to the woods herself and eliminate the lovely little strumpet.

Yeah, that's right, the Queen is going to take out Snow White.

By take out, I don't mean on a girls' day to Starbucks and the mall so they can share their deepest secrets and boy interests. I mean, do the job that the damn wood cutter half-assed!

I mean, hey, if you want something done right you gotta do it your own damn self!

So she whips up a poison apple.


Of all the ways to kill poisoning?

I can just go to Denny's or Taco John's anytime I'd like a heaping helping of food poisoning...

Nevertheless, it is the wicked Queen, in the forest, with...the poison apple. Good luck finding that one in the game of Clue!

The Queen then proceeds to transform herself into an old hag, probably a metaphor for her black and ugly soul, but who really reads that much into fairy tales anyway...

I find this part incredibly stupid as well, I mean, if you are going to do a sales pitch for a poisoned apple, my first disguise of choice wouldn't be the old hag, with the warty nose, creepy eyes and lack of teeth. I don't think it'd even make my top ten...

But that's just me.

She descends upon the cottage and persuades Snow White to eat the apple. Apparently she didn't use poison, but rather Lunesta because, as we find out later, Snow White is merely in a deep sleep...or maybe she just choked on the apple skin.

I won't lie, I only do the apple skin thing when I'm feeling bold and adventurous.

Some things in life you just don't mess with.

Anyway, so Snow White passes out, and her seven little men come home to find the Queen/Hag vanishing into the woods. They assess the situation, band together in an angry mob, and chase the old lady, who is apparently much more spry than one would think a 200 year old woman could be.

The only reason the dwarves manage to catch up is because she gets cornered on a rocky precipice overhanging a long drop.

And of course... there are razor sharp rocks lying below.

The lightning and thunder howl around her, and as the dwarves close the the distance between, she wedges a piece of wood under a boulder; which happens to be conveniently sitting there on the off chance that one who is being pursued might need to crush their pursuers.

In the glorious crescendo of this climactic scene a well placed bolt of lightning, I won't say from whom, strikes the cliff by the hag's feet and the ledge crumbles. She goes screaming to her death.

All because of a little bit of vanity. Shame.

Ok, that may have been a bit more than a "tad bit" of background, but honestly the ideas just kept flowing so I just went with it.

Sue me.

But the scene that drove me nuts happened right here, at the end of the movie...

The dwarves are mourning the loss of their angel, Snow White who, by the way, is in a wicked sweet casket that has a clear top, and gilded golden base...and all of a sudden...

In waltzes Prince.....what the hell is his name???

Oh, maybe we don't know because he hasn't been in the movie virtually at all!

He leans down, and plants a smacker dead on the lips of Snow White's "corpse", after probably seemed the appropriate thing to do at the time. Plus, most "Prince Charmings" don't really have all that much on their resumes anyway.

Snow White's eyes flutter... could it be? Yes! The Prince's minty fresh Orbit breath has resuscitated our innocent, naive heroine. It's a miracle!

He sweeps her up in his arms and whisks her away to the castle with the setting sun framing it in a ridiculously picturesque way.

The End.

There you have it folks. Officially the worst scene in the movie. I'll tell you why...

This prince has virtually no substance to him. He was not in the thick of the adventure with Snow White and her little friends, he wasn't tracking down the evil hag, he wasn't with the dwarves as they placed her on her cold, golden slab mourning along with them.

I find him anything but dashing.

Charming is not the name I will use for said prince. I will instead dub him, Prince Absent.

Sadly, the ladies in this world and culture are becoming more accustomed to Prince Absent. The guy who uses smooth talk and cheap words to make his entrance. He is fun, witty, and always present for the good times.

When life crumbles, he is nowhere to be found. He is a deadbeat. Suddenly all the princely promises and the charm are non-existent.

I know every woman wants their own prince and, every guy wants a woman who he can treat every bit like the princess she deserves to be.

Ladies, if I could send one line of advice your way it would be this...before he whisks you away to his castle for your happily ever after, be sure he is willing to fight the dragon, climb the mountain, or protect you from life's evil queen/hags first.


LAENA said...

lol AWESOME!!! Seriously! Where was this dude when Snow White was scared (and I'll say it, super-ditzy) in that haunted forest on the way to the little cottage? Where was he when all these little guys were hiding her away? Shouldn't he have taken care of that? I mean he's the big man, right? He's gonna let a bunch of super-short bald men--one with super huge ears--take care of his woman??? And come on! A kiss??? That's all it took to make up for his absence? No flowers? No giant ring? No serenade with a Prince Charming original "I'm sorry song?" Where are Snow White's standards??? I mean, she's singing "I'm wishing for the one I love to find me today" into a well at the beginning of the movie, and from one kiss, she decides this is the guy?? Really?
And if the evil queen was able to transform herself into an ugly old hag, why was she not able to beautify herself enough to beat SW in the pageant instead of 86ing her? It doesn't really seem logical...

LOL... I'm sorry... this was too fun!
I loved this post :) I need to go watch Snow White again so I can appreciate it in a whole new way! LOL
And I need to find me a "Prince" who is *actually* "Charming" :) Love it!!!

Josh said...

I think I had just about as much fun reading your comment as I did writing this post. :) lol 86ing? Amazing! Touché my friend! :)

Anonymous said...

Hilarious. I never even thought about it. You have a great sense of humour.

And i love the advice at the end--I'll keep that in mind.


Josh said...

Glad u enjoyed it :)

Karson said...

Loved this. Both for the overall message and for the wonderful use of figurative language. The little bits of humor spread throughout made me laugh out loud! Very well written!

Josh said...

Wow I know this took me way long to respond, but thank you! I'm glad it was entertaining! :) my co-workers told me I'm too cynical. Lol

LAENA said...

I'm so sad my comment disappeared from this post :( It was so much fun!!! Well, anyway, still loved it and found it hilarious!!!
I think the Evil Queen was working for blogger ;)

Josh said...

True that LAENA! :p lol like I said though, your original comment was definitely super fun to read! Gave me a good laugh for sure!