Thursday, May 26, 2011

Peanuts in 25 Years

I have often caught myself pondering the fate of poor old Charlie Brown and his gang.

Young children full of dreams and hope.

The youth are, after all, the future so it seemed a legitimate question to contemplate...

So what really happened to the Peanuts gang after their primary caretaker, Mr. Charles Schultz, passed?

I hoped, beyond hope, that this small tribe of young ones had turned out well...

Yet I began to suspect that the gnawing feeling in my stomach had more to do with the memory of William Golding's literary work 'Lord of the Flies' and less to do with the pizza I had last night...

After some keen sleuthing, and some door to door work with a local grassroots political action committee, I managed to track down the leader of the pack! Mr. Charles Brown himself...and so began my adventure...

I sit down across from Chuck, who is dressed in a black rocker t-shirt, skinny jeans and (ironically enough) black and red Chuck Taylor Allstars.

From the kitchen my ears detect the painful strains of Cee Lo Green's voice bleating out of a cheap radio. The lyrical eloquence of his single "Fuck You",washes over me, and adds a warm, welcoming feeling to the apartment.

Chuck lights up a cigarette and offers me one of his. I politely decline, as I don't smoke, and discreetly cough as the secondhand smoke nearly chokes me.

I make a mental note to make my next doctor's appointment. I haven't seen that guy in awhile anyway...

So I begin to make some small talk, as I sip on the Amp Energy drink I bought from the gas station on the way over...

"So... Chuck, whatcha been up to these days?"

"Nothin' much. Just workin' and chillin' man."

Ah, a working man! Nothing better than responsible youth! Youth who go out and earn their keep, like true Americans. Youth who...

"Where you workin' man?"

"I'm a Mc-Manager."

The noble profession of food service. Love it.

I find out that shortly after Schultz passed, Chuck went to several different therapists to try to sort out his inner struggles. Soon after that he swapped the shrinks for cigs. He plays in a rock band now called "Kitty Must Die" and has never had a girlfriend.

To this day he still hasn't kicked the football.

Speaking of the football...what ever happened to darling little Lucy?

I'm glad you asked...

Lucy initially went to college to pursue clinical psychology, she
changed her major however upon the realization that there were just too many screwed up people in the world to try to 'fix.'

She instead graduated with a business degree from Michigan State, and is the co-CEO of a new product line of running shoes created by Apple, which play music while in stride.

They also have fantastic gel insoles to maximize comfort and reduce back problems. They will probably be on my future recommendation posts...

Lucy's brother Linus became a political consultant for the Republican National Committee and worked with Senator John McCain as he made his bid for President.

He has a wife and four kids and would describe himself as a 'religious' man.

His favorite holiday is the Fourth of July, and he would tell you that it's purely because "America kicks ass." Plain and simple.

Sweet Sally Brown suffered throughout high school and on with major co-dependency issues. She and Linus tried to date on and off, but it just didn't work out. Eventually Linus had to man up and tell her that she was super clingy, and it was crampin' his style.

After their breakup, Sally traversed a tumultuous sea of broken relationships. She became pregnant at age 17, but still doesn't know who the actual father is.

She named the baby Antone, and settled down with a UFC fighter named Billy Steel.

She's still waiting for a ring...

Peppermint Patti and Marcie came out of the closet their senior year of high school. They've been in a relationship ever since, and live in Iowa.

The fiery Patti is a member of Acorn and the ACLU. She also is a spokeswoman for the Human Rights Campaign.

Marcie, on the other hand, really doesn't give a shit about politics, but instead crochets and takes care of the cats they have acquired over the years.

Beloved Pig Pen dropped out of high school his sophomore year. Motivated by his idols Dr. Dre and Slim Shady he determined that he would travel to Detroit and become a famous rapper.

He went to live with his uncle, and began dealing drugs out of the basement, all the while reppin' his hood. He ran a successful practice until about two years ago, when a snitch gave him up to avoid some jail time.

When the police came to his uncle's house to raid it, Pig Pen panicked and opened fire. He, was injured in the firefight and is currently in a rehabilitation facility, before he moves to prison to face his 25 to life.

Snoopy is still alive, despite his advanced age, and has gained rapport as a internet persona. He has his own blog and writes about a variety of topics, ranging from political scandal, anorexic celebrities, and crooked preachers. His writings have been outlawed in several different countries, due to their "offensive" nature.

He has also been known to make occasional appearances on TMZ and Tosh.0.

He is currently in the process of writing the script for Jackass 4: The Reckoning, which will be out in theaters December 2012....provided the world is still here.

There you have it friends, the fate of the Peanuts posse.

Not quite the storybook ending? Perhaps.

A bit of shameless social commentary thrown in? To be sure.

Don't like how it turned out? Blame the parents!

Have a fantastic weekend, may you find blessing in all things.


LAENA said...

This is just sad! lol Especially poor little Sally :( It is good to know that Linus has held to his beliefs though :) lol
Where the heck do you come up with this craziness????

Josh said...

Haha. Perhaps I may have too much time on my hands, and an unabashed sense of humor rooted in sarcasim with just a hint of reality thrown in the mix. :) I hope ya enjoyed it! :p Next time I'll be a little less facetious. :)

LAENA said...

Nah... I'm a fan of sarcasm and facetiousness... although I'm sure you'd never guess that from my blog. Unfortunately, I'm also an optimist and a romantic, so it was a bit jarring to learn such terrible news about such helpless little children who were so tragically abandoned by Mr. Schultz at such a young age ;)