Monday, June 13, 2011

On "Dickishness"

As I was driving down I-94 one day I was nearly driven off the road by a shady-boxy-looking-maroonish-car. The car swerved in front of me, going at least 15 mph over the speed limit...

As I watched his back end fading away, my eye caught a small black and white bumper sticker, tastefully placed on the lower lefthand side of the car. It said 'Don't Be A Dick.'

How profound.

When the car had completely vanished, I continued to comfortably coast at my pace, which is about five over (Hey, I'm a rebel, not an idiot!), and I felt a deep sense of honor. This particular driver had blessed me today. He felt so strongly about this message, that he urgently pulled in front of me to make sure I wouldn't miss this tidbit of sage wisdom.

He gave me an enlightening piece of advice. One that I could take with me for decades to come...

It was zen. Perfect. It was like...rock 'n roll.

Hell, forget the Bible, forget Socrates, forget bathroom reading!

This boxy-maroon-car-driving-man had given me more in one sentance than any of the aforementioned inspirations.

Only...I had one problem.

I have no idea what makes one "dickish" and another "not-dickish."

Did this mean I had to stop letting cars into my lane when they signal over? Should I, rather, swerve dangerously around them at 15 over? This set my mind ablaze with thought.

So what is dickishness? Is it a political ideology? Do you become dickish when you subscribe to a particular religion? Do dickish people eat certain types of food? Can girls be dickish?

Naturally I looked it up in the urban dictionary, which is arguably one of the most reliable sources of information on the web. Annnd... I found it!

Dickishness: relating to, or being, in the state, quality, condition or degree of being a dick.

Shit.

'Cause that sure clears things up for me.
Now I'm back to where I started...

Wait! Maybe only people who are named Richard are considered 'Dicks!' But then...is Mr.-boxy-maroon-car-driver saying that we shouldn't be naming people Richard? I actually kinda like the name... I mean, I wouldn't name my kid Dick...but it's not the worst as far as names go.

Those Bible names on the other hand...

I could understand 'Don't be a Habakkuk' or 'Don't be a Methuselah'. I mean, parents who named their kids those names were seriously cruel.

How 'bout "Don't be a Judas."? Oh, wait...Lady Gaga is in love with him, so clearly that name is still fashionable...

Maybe it means...don't be a Private Investigator. I remember in Se7en one of the swat team guys calls the detectives Dicks! Yes! That could be it! Of course...if people weren't dicks then we'd lose a key component of our law enforcement. That wouldn't be good. He couldn't mean that. Could he?

Maybe he's a hippie. Doesn't like "the man"...ya know?

So here I am. I've come full circle, and I still have no idea what being a 'dick' means, and how I'm supposed to avoid becoming one!

What's more...I've come to my destination and haven't been able to enjoy the ride and scenery because I've been too busy thinking about this damn bumper sticker. Thanks Mr.-boxy-maroon-junker-piece-of-crap-driver-guy.

Damn. What a dick!

2 comments:

LAENA said...

Genius!
Loved this one :) Read it at work, so now my face and abs hurt from the stifled laughter. Thanks for the workout! LOL

Josh said...

Let me tell you...it was fun to write. :)