Friday, June 10, 2011

Wisconsin is a She, Florida is a He

I live in Wisconsin. That's my state right there, the colored one that says 'Wisconsin' on it.

There are definitely benefits to living in this state...we have lots of beer, and lots of cheese so that's cool. We tailgate before our baseball, football, and little league games.

For those unfamiliar with the practice of tailgaiting, I will elaborate...

It is essentially a way in which Wisconsinites bond before athletic events. It requires a grill, lots of delicious food, and enough beer to get you hammered enough to completely disregard the game you came to watch.

The Green Bay Packers are pretty good at football.

Oh! And we had Brett Favre too! But that's another story...

If you ever visit Wisconsin you will notice that the natives here do a strange thing when they meet each other for the first time; when asking where the other is from, the other person tends to hold up their hand and point to a random place on it.

This is called 'the hand map.' It isn't officially recognized by the national Department of Transportation, but if you come here it is the next best think to a freakin' Garmin. I promise.

Try it. If you hold up your right hand with an open palm facing you, you will notice that it looks like my home state...

I've lived in Wisconsin my whole life.

Not by choice, mind you, I was actually born here...

Today I find that I am beginning to believe that Wisconsin is, in fact, a female.

Allow me to unpack this statement a bit...

She can't make up her mind.

It's June 10th, and it's maybe fifty degrees and rainy out. I wonder what her boyfriend did to piss her off... about three days ago it was ninety, sunny and humid! That's right folks...she was hot, locked and ready to rock!

Most of the year, however, she is cold. A real ice queen. Winter begins around mid-October and lasts (at least this year) till mid-April. Do the math. That is six months of emo-gray-snow-slushiness.

It's almost like her iPod got stuck playing Scary Kids Scaring Kids or something...

My blogger friend Laena doesn't think it would be so bad living here.

She's from the Sunshine State. Florida.

I think Florida would be a guy, if I'm honest.

It's pretty even keel there, not too much variation of seasons. Simple. Almost too simple...

And he's always hot.

In fact, if it weren't for states like Wisconsin, I'm sure we'd have far more than 50 United States...

He does get pretty volatile sometimes, he has a hurricane of a temper, but that doesn't happen to often...right?

So I was thinking...if Wisconsin and Florida got together what sort of a state would they make together?

I'd like to think it'd be interesting, but it'd probably be something unremarkable like...Kentucky.

Despite my beef with just about every aspect of this state, there is one thing that is undeniably true...it is my home.

It will probably always be my home. Despite her crazy season swings, unpredictable weather patterns, lack of summer, the Green Bay Packers and other such annoyances, she is beautiful in her own way.

I love watching the leaves change from summer to fall. The cool crisp feeling of the air. The smell of those same leaves burning a week later in fire pits. Bonfires, hot chocolate on cold days, a white Christmas...

She is like most women I know, she truly is stunning. She has a quirky yet alluring beauty that is her own, and sometimes I'm not sure she even knows it.

So here is to home.

Here is to the place that, no matter how far one may wander, they can always come back to and find a small sliver of solace in this crazy world.

A reminder simpler times.

Cheers!

1 comment:

LAENA said...

OH.MY.GOSH!!! I read the title of this post and started cracking up... because my immediate though was, "does he mean anatomically???"
I mean, I have often heard Florida referred to as America's, well, you know, and I kept trying to figure out how Wisconsin could resemble...
And then you compared it to a hand--and I was REALLY confused!!!
Clearly this metaphor was not visual nor anatomical.

"I wonder what her boyfriend did to piss her off..."
Seriously, hilarious!

And I bet you're right about the Kentucky thing. But if they got together and decided to make one of those creepy, genetically engineered babies where you get to pick and choose features...
They could take Florida's "spring" and make it into summer. Take Wisconsin's spring, fall, and winter and make them, well, spring, fall, and winter--just maybe shorten up the winter a bit. Throw in Florida's beaches, and maybe steal some of Colrado's mountains, and BAM! they'd make one awesome island! Screw Paris! I'd want to live there!

I seriously laughed through this whole post!
And then you got all cute and sentimental at the end... which made me fall in love a little with Wisconsin. Another place I've never been. (Maybe THAT'S why girls like Paris so much... when people talk about it, they're all cute and sentimental)

Sorry for yet another RIDICULOUSLY wordy comment ;)