Thursday, August 11, 2011

The Greatest Gift

Time is precious.

It isn't reversible, and it isn't a commodity that we have an abundance of.

It is like drops of clean water, falling from the sky, in a country which has known naught but drought for centuries. It can appear, and then vanish, swallowed by the thirsty ground of eternity, never to be found again...

Isn't time really the greatest gift that you can give to another?

Recently, I began a process.
This process involved the difficulty of burning some difficult bridges.

Let me back up and start over.

There are two kinds of people in this life.
There are givers and takers.

Givers, ironically enough, give. Crazy, right?
They go to great lengths to forge relationships. The cost doesn't matter, the time spent doesn't matter, what matters is getting to know the other person.

It is a very worthwhile and noble pursuit in my opinion.

Takers don't necessarily initiate. They allow the giver to make the effort.
They are not as good at reciprocating the attention which is lavished upon them.

Givers and takers. All people. All flawed in their own ways.
There are dangers to both, admittedly.

I tend to be a giver. Not always, but oftner than not I trend this way...

I love people, and the process of getting to know each unique individual that I cross paths with.
I trust people easily, and trust that they will respect my time, as I value theirs.

But, when you give to takers, the giver is faced with the shaking realization that they are not, and will never be, enough.

When you pour out everything you have, and receive nothing in return, only emptiness remains.
I reached this point, and the ache of the emptiness left within brought me to question myself.

I questioned if I have anything of value in me, anything worth knowing.
I questioned why those I had been investing my time, efforts and soul into, didn't seem all that interested in me.

It is a scary thing, to feel like you are worthless.
Unwanted.
Unremarkable.

It is in these times that I find the voice of God often whispers to us through those we love.

A good friend told me that I trust too easily.
That I throw myself in, 100%, to new friendships without even allowing a level of mutual trust to be built. I have given, too freely, the gift of time to others...the greatest gift one could ever hope to give, and have had nothing to show for it.

No wonder this emptiness that I felt was so devastating. So conflicting.

I am not, by any means, saying that trust is a bad thing, however, when we give our time in the pursuit of another, whether a simple friendship or more, we have to know that they will honor this gift, not take it for granted.

I'm learning to be more sparing with my time.
I'm learning to be more particular with my friends.
I'm learning that, until the effort is reciprocated, others are not worth my full heart and soul.
Not that they are worthless, I promise you this is not what I mean in the least!
But, I am simply stating that they will not receive my full, and undivided attention as others who are trustworthy do.

Your time is valuable.
That is why I love having you stop by here.

I realize that you may take but a few minutes reading a line of my life, but may you know that I value each minute; because in those precious moments you have given me the greatest gift you could ever give...

3 comments:

Dustin Spencer said...

Bitchin'
Awesome

Aminathius said...

Josh, you have inspired me.
My friend Hayley told me about your blog, and I decided to check it out because the way she described you reminded me a lot of myself.
I read your first post and was blown away. Completely and totally blown away.
For, you see, I feel the exact same way about church as you did in high school. I am 17, and in my church drama runs rampant amongst those my age. I am judged because I strongly dislike and am against Christian music, wear a lot of black, date, and don't go to church camp every summer like the "cool kids" do.
I have quit attending my church and thrown myself into other things. It has been several months since I quit going, and before I thought I had a lot of good friends there. But now, I have one friend from church that bothers to keep in contact with me.
It's great to know that someone actually KNOWS. I have struggles. Big ones. I have had a pretty good life, as you have. But for a long time, I have been depressed as all hell. And a lot of my friends think I am being an "attention whore" because of it. But what they do not realize is that it is 17 years of being forced to bottle up my emotions that is my problem.... plus, God doesn't seem... REAL. I don't feel him. I have asked him to give me strength to get through my struggles, and it seems as if he has neglected me completely.
I am going to keep reading your blog. This is the stuff that I need right now. I thank you. So much.
Your sister in Christ.

Josh said...

Aminathius,
I am so glad that you stopped by, and even more so that you left the comment! Thank you for your encouraging words! I can promise you, it gets better than the drama and facades, so hang in there. Its funny because I was just discussing depression with a good friend the other day, and how it is so difficult for people who don't have it to understand. Fortunately, there are many good, understanding people, who won't judge you, and will love you unconditionally. I am blessed to have several of those in my life currently, and I pray you find the same comfort! I am definitely going to check out your blog as well!
Thanks again for stopping by, I look forward to seeing you again! :)