Tuesday, August 30, 2011

The Secret Ninja

The cleaning lady at my workplace is a Ninja.

How do I know this? You may ask.

Well it started a few months ago...

As Wisconsin was just beginning to emerge from the frozen depths of winter, and its sleepy residents were beginning to thaw out, Bob, the cleaning guy, introduced us to his new apprentice.

She seemed nice, sweet, and shy all in one...at least at the beginning.

I see now that it was merely the mystical power of Bob the Cleaning Boss that kept her under control.

One thing you should know about ninjas is that they are 'effing diabolical.

Ninjas are an elite class of learners, trained in the skills of hunting, eliminating, then disappearing. Fortunately for us, she revered and respected her Sensei, and thus remained visible to us.

But soon, Bob the Cleaning Boss stopped coming in. Her training was complete, it would seem, and she was now free to roam the bank from top to bottom. This was her domain now.

As time passed we saw her less and less. Each closing shift the question would inevitably crop up...

"Is the Ninja here tonight?"
"I don't know, I didn't see her come in did you?"

The secret stealth skills of the Ninja were too great for us, the lowly tellers, so we prayed to Bob the Cleaning Boss to intervene on our behalf. He limited the Ninja's powers by telling her that she had to present herself to the teller line before disappearing for the night.

For a time we lived in relative peace and harmony...but all such times are destined to end.

One day, as we were closing up shop I ventured into the lobby alone. Bad move.

There is an office in the lobby with a bathroom attached. I use this bathroom to change on mornings that I walk to work; the mornings are a safe time for the tellers in the bank, 'cause the Ninja only comes out at night.

I began changing back into my walking clothes when I heard a door outside open.

I froze.
Could it be?

My blood turned to ice as I realized that there was no escape from this tiny cubicle of death, should I have a confrontation with the stealthy, shadow warrior.

Sure enough, all my worst nightmares came true! The handle turned on the door to the bathroom! It all happened so fast, yet it seemed like slow motion at the same time.

Genius me, I didn't lock the door!

There were several reactions that, I recall, happened in that instant.

I looked every which way for an escape. Upon finding there was none I wept bitter tears.

Then I confessed all my sins to God, like any good Christian would do, upon realizing that their life was about to end. I mean, hey, if you are going down, it's probably best to get your shit in order before you meet the Big Guns upstairs.

I even brought up that time I "accidentally" brought one of my friend Justin's lego minifigs home with me. I also confessed about the time I bought candy cigarettes from the gas station, and pretended to smoke them on the corner by the bus stop.

Don't know if those count but better to be safe than sorry, right?

Then I moved.

The door halfway opened, but I managed to jam a stockinged foot in its way. The door shoved a bit more, but then the Ninja relented. Perhaps it was the powerful potency of the smell from my sock, or the sheer blinding brilliance of my porcelain skin. Whatever it was, it broke the power of the Ninja, and saved me in that moment.

"Oh, I'm so sorry, I didn't know you were in here!" she mumbled.

All I heard was a sinister...

"We will meet again, my friend." (insert an evil cackle here and you will get a pretty accurate picture of the moment.) I know! Scary shit right?!

Since then the tellers have always stuck in pairs while closing, we may run the bank during the day, but the night belongs to the shadows, and the Secret Ninja.


light208 said...

Just fabulous.

Josh said...

Lol. Thank you. :)

Laena said...

This was seriously so dorky and so awesome all at the same time LOL which is pretty much as close to perfection as you can get :)

Josh said...

Thanks Laena! :) the dorkiness quotient had not been sufficiently upped for awhile so I had to do somethin about it :)