Wednesday, September 14, 2011

Thoughts On Breasts

If you are uncomfortable talking about the human body,especially breasts, or if you don't think it's a subject for mixed company..........then I'd stop reading here. :)

This post is dedicated to a conversation that I had with blogger friend Elana Jade Rebel.


Girls hate 'em.
Guys are obsessed with them.

Almost seems like a cruel joke for God to play, right?

Giving people who couldn't care less a feature that the opposite gender often fixates on.

Giving back problems to the ones who don't want them, while the ones who don't have them cast votes for implants.

Yeah, that's just mean.

What is so compelling about breasts to a guy, while at the same time they manage to be so inconsequential to a woman?

How in the hell did I start talking about boobs on my blog about Jesus and God and stuff?

That's a fair question.

The other day I was walking home from work and texting a fellow blogger friend. We were catching up on stuff, and I commented on how that Maroon 5 song, "Moves Like Jagger", made me think of her dog every time.

Her dog's name is Jagger.

She told me she had met them once which I thought was pretty cool, though I am admittedly not a die hard Maroon 5 fan.

She said that in the picture which was taken of her and lead singer, Adam Levine, he was staring at her boobs.


Always the smart ass, I had to make a sarcastic quip about how she should've been wearing a shirt, and she wouldn't have had that problem.

"Haha, funny."

She maintained that the shirt she was wearing was modest, but that, sadly, she's used to guys checking out her chest.

"It's crazy isn't it?" I said,"They aren't really that big of a deal...but they are."

"OMG right!? They're totally always the thing that guys look at, and try to grab... and they always want to put them in their mouths like damn babies!"

Clearly, my prior text had struck some sort of a chord.

But it's true, why do little (or big) lumps of fat, with nipples attached, cause so many guys to absolutely lose their minds?

It's like they come with built in tractor beams!

As soon as a woman walks in a room its like the guy's head is sucked in to the field. Like the Millennium Falcon trying to escape the pull of the Death Star, but helplessly surrendering to a force much greater than itself. (Ok, yes, nerd moment. I'm sorry.)

Oh! And one funny thing about this tractor beam theory, is that the pull becomes greater with the amount of exposed cleavage. Try it sometime, it's crazy!

I had always read in books that Eve was the crowning of all creation. The "better looking man", so to speak.

Guess that's why you don't see much artwork made out of dudes. If we had lumps on our chests however...that'd be a whole new ball game! Right?

Maybe not.

"Man-boobs" aren't very sexy...and they won't get ya hired at Hooters, that's for sure.

Speaking of which, do you know how disappointing it is to discover that the actual appeal of Hooters isn't actually the wings?? I'll tell you...very disappointing.

I've never once seen an owl there either, I might add.


Maybe it's a society thing. You know? Maybe the breast isn't inherently a "sexual" thing, but we have made it that way.

If that's true, then we've done a good freakin' job.

Maybe we could use that tactic with other things in society, like... eating healthy?

Forget the fact that eating healthy will help you sustain your body, and cause you to live a longer, happier life. Nobody cares about that!

But! Put a woman with a little cleavage on a health food commercial, and voila! Suddenly the male populace of America would be like..."I think I should go buy some of that fiber mix!"

Fiber mix is sexy, man!

Seriously, if the marketers for freaking Metamucil started incorporating women's breasts into their advertising campaigns their sales would skyrocket, I promise you!

It is because of this, that the female (not male) breasts need to be covered, or you may end up with a hefty ticket. Isn't that odd?

If we had laws that mandated the fact that noses had to be covered all day, because it'd be obscene if they weren't, do you think noses would suddenly be sexy?

You think anyone would see a renegade nostril poking out and find their engine revving up? You think they'd report it to the police as indecent exposure? Hmm...probably not.

My feet are covered all day, and they definitely aren't sexy.

Nope. Boobs definitely have something special going on. They're kinda like the pretty person at the body part party, you know what I'm talking about right? A whole bunch of other appendages want to date them, and the rest just plain hate their guts.

And, as Elana noted, why the hell do guys insist on putting them in their mouth? It's not like they have MGD or Spotted Cow on tap, though admittedly, they are Totally Naked...

What does come out of them??

Most guys that I know don't even like milk. And it isn't like you can really count on it anyway, unless she's preggers.

The appeal is a mystery to me. I have no idea what draws men to boobs like flies to a fly zapper (minus, of course, the painful fiery death that occurs shortly thereafter).

But, maybe the reason these prominent female features are so attractive goes beyond sheer animal instinct.

Maybe it goes beyond societal norms, and cultural agreements.

There's a story that has been running from the beginning of time as we know it.
A story about an artist. A story about his creation.
A story about things that are good and beautiful and true.

The draw men feel toward the physicality of women is no surprise to me, because women (as well as men in their own rite), are a creation of an artist who knows just what he's doing.

Love, sexuality, and sensuality...these are all the impressions of the divine. They are the fingerprints that are left. The marks of a skilled tradesman.

I can just imagine the first two created beings, as the woman was brought to the man in the buff.

How do you think he reacted?
Yeah, I thought so too...

God: "Hey Man, thought I'd introduce you to the new neighbor. I brought her into town recently, thought you could use some company... maybe you two could go grab some ribs later, or something."

Man: "Duhhh......uhm. Duh."

Woman: "Nice to meet you, how long have you been here?"

Man: "Duh. Uhm. I, uh..."

Woman (to God): "Is he retarded?"

You get the idea.

Women are beautiful creatures. A beauty that is unmatched in this whole earth! :) Being in her presence can slow the tongue, render a man speechless, and cause the eyes to roam over her fearfully and wonderfully made self.

But guess what?

This creation goes beyond physicality. There is a beautiful spirit within women. She wants to be known. She wants to know you.

So, that said...guys, I know she's ridiculously hot, but how bout we show some class and respect, eh? Time to stop playing the "big dumb animal" card.

Pick your jaws up off the ground, wipe the drool away, and allow yourself to be blown away by the entire beauty that is known as woman.


rkaiser said...

It's not fair to say women don't like boobs. I for one completely appreciate them and understand the attraction. Women are beautiful!

Josh said...

Good call Rachel! Not all women dislike them or don't appreciate them. Majority of ladies I know don't seem to be super fond of them, but that's just in my little sphere of influence. Thanks for keepin me in check! :)

max xavier said...

Having more than my share of boobage, I completely sympathize with your blogger friend. I've met a lot of music people ( event photographer), and in all of my fan girl pics, they seem to be staring straight down into my cleavage. *shakes head*
I can tell you why, though, most men are drawn towards boobs. They are the absolute embodiment of femininity. They are a source of emotional , and physical nourishment. They are a sexual, sensual , visual ( and tactile)cue that triggers a latent response in the male psyche. It's coded into your DNA, like sports and not asking for directions ;-)
This was a super great post, Josh. I loved it!!

Josh said...

Thanks max! Spot on comment! But why ask for directions when we could have an excuse to go buy thenl newest biggest gps toy dome best buy! ;) lol

yup, you ladies are definitely put together fantastically! Cheers! :)

J. Man said...

This post was super fantastic. I read it...then re-read it...and, in the end, still love boobs. Just sayin'

Josh said...

I concur J Apple! Thanks for the comment! :)