There I sat, in my cold, dark room after a long day of class, lifting and practice at the edge of my bed as the tears ran down my face. Pain, frustration, loneliness, and fear dripped out of my eyes, rolled down my cheeks, and hit the cold hard floor beneath my feet. The pain of loss and brokenness, the frustration of not understanding, not knowing, and not being able to help, loneliness of a broken soul, and the fear of an empty future clung to every thought I had that day, and they all finally became to much for me to handle. I couldn’t stand the silence anymore, and even worse, I couldn’t stand the sound of my own thoughts echoing my mind like a skipping song. At that very moment I had finally realized what the events of the last two years had done to me, and it was with that thought that I knew I had finally hit the absolute rock bottom; A place that until now, I couldn’t even imagine.
I knew that what I was experiencing was the beginning of a lot of trouble if I didn't somehow get it out of me and look for help. A couple of days passed and I began to reach out for help. I talked to three of the most important people (outside of my family) in my life, my best friend from childhood (more of a brother than a friend), an ex-girlfriend (turned best friend) and my roommate (one of the two best friends I have ever made since childhood). I didn't know it at the time, but the true friendship they showed me, the love and support they gave me was the blessing in disguise I needed. I let everything inside of me go; letting out the pain, the worry, the overwhelming hate for myself, and the fear of what my sins had brought me. Piece by piece, I tried to find a way out of my struggle and heal the damage inside of me.
As wounds began to heal, and the demons left my thoughts, I started to realize that I had been selfish. Selfish in the fact that what I had in front of me was the best gift anyone could get and I wanted more. From that day forward I started to look more deeply at the things that surrounded me. The pain and frustration I felt were merely distractions that kept me from seeing the beautiful little things that made the picture, my world so breath taking. Not only the beauty in nature, the birds, the wind and water, the trees and flowers, new life and the changing seasons, but also the amazing people, friends, teammates, family, and even the random people you meet at sporadic moments in class or out on the town, and most of all the beautiful gifts of some sort of athletic ability, writing, and a good heart, all made up this glorious world I called mine.
As all these scenes started to compile in my mind, the smile started to come back to my face, and a small song to my heart, as I sat down at my computer to put it all on paper. As I sat there I remember looking out my window and seeing the beautiful sunset over the hill outside my apartment and two very tiny words silently tip-toed out of my mouth and hopefully found their way to God. “Thank you” was all I could think of, and for the first time in a while I felt like that’s all that was needed. He knew what I had been through, how to help me and that like the lost sheep I would find my way back. Over those few short months, I truly learned just how deep my faith was; how even when it seems like everything is going wrong and no one is listening, He always is.
No one has the perfect life, and I’m not telling this story to lead everyone into thinking that I do. I have still a few things I’d like to work on, or change but now I feel as though I’m living my life to the fullest as a sign of gratitude for the gifts I have been given in it. I’ve learned that no matter how bad things can get, I’ll always have God with me, listening intently, and wanting to help me back home. From the things that have happened and how my life has taken a turn for the better, the reminders I’ve seen and encouragement I have felt, I can tell you without a doubt, God works in mysterious ways.