Monday, January 28, 2013
Honesty time, ok?
So, that tiny little quote was from a convo that I had with a friend, quite awhile ago. When she said this particular little tidbit to me, I actually cringed a bit. Yeah, I write about connection and all that crap on this space a bunch. I get that.
I'm really crappy at connecting with people. I mean...I can say hello, and how are you. I can maintain the appearance of social connection, but at the end of the day, I'll only let you get so deep. Like in Shrek, where they say "Ogres are like onions, they have layers."?
I'm like an onion I guess.
Or maybe a clam.
Point is, I have an exterior. The one I let everyone see. And then I have, well, me. I know everyone has an outer shell. Some are thicker than others. It works, to a degree. I can insulate myself, and avoid common injuries that being open will inflict. I can evaluate others from a safe distance. I can see others make mistakes that I'm protected from.
But then there's the other side.
Because when you're locked inside yourself, safe and sound, you begin to discover just how empty being alone with yourself can be. At first, it's the best feeling in the world. You've go no one to cater to but yourself. You don't have any potential threats inside your self-coma. But, at some point, those little things won't be enough. You start to realize that life, isn't worth living when you can't share yourself with others.
Everyone has gifts, talents, and beauty in their soul. Each person is different in what they offer. But the soul isn't meant to be kept to oneself. It just isn't fulfilling. Something in our wiring requires us to need others, and that requires trust...
Isn't trust what we're all looking for?
We want to be able to place our faith in something. Something outside our self. And, sadly, people don't always live up to the bill. People leave. People let you down. They cause you pain.
If you're like me, that cuts real deep. Your natural reaction will be to push away. Everything. Everyone who's ever been close to you. To install that barrier.
Well, what I've found, is that this still brings pain with it. My shell has become empty, and I'm left with my mind, and thoughts about what things could've been. It's a special kind of hell. The barrier that you place up becomes a prison to keep you in. It isn't supposed to be like this.
That's why, though I cringed and recoiled at my friend's statement, I know it to be true.
As much as it can hurt, we have to learn how to pull ourselves up, pick up the pieces, let go, and move forward. We aren't meant to be alone. We need to connect, or life won't be full. Life won't be worth living.
If you can't share yourself with people, you will leave behind a life of little significance.
Prying open the clamshell will be painful. It will bring with it let down, and disappointment. Failure, and brokenness. Peeling back the layers is a painful endeavor. But...
It also brings fullness that you cannot achieve on your own, no matter how you try.