Tuesday, December 22, 2015

Erase

At some point you look in the mirror, and you realize how utterly pointless everything is. Sometimes the fight is too exhausting. Sometimes you just find yourself overcome by numbness. Sometimes you find yourself becoming painfully aware of all your shortcomings. The things you've tried to embrace and failed, repeatedly, at. You look at those sunny days, when everything seemed on the up and up, and wonder how the fuck you went wrong. How you ended up locked inside the cage of your mind, alone, completely isolated. Those bright-lit uplands a seeming eternity away. You see the darkness that permeates every facet of this state of detention we find ourselves in, living here in this place. You begin to wonder what sort of a fucking God could love us enough to banish us to this quickly fading scrap of rock, dwarfed in the midst of the cosmos. 

Pills don't fix it.
Drugs don't fix it.
Trying harder sure as hell doesn't fix it, in fact, the harder you try the greater the pushback. 
Try to do good in the world and you will be pushed down. Try to share your dream with another only to realize they know nothing of your soul, and you're left wounded again.

The only answer seems to be mediocrity. The unremarkable. Resignation and subjugation to the system. Be a good little man, don't cross any lines, keep your mouth shut and punch that clock.

Each punch like a ticking time bomb, the tension of monotony building within. The hatred, the anger. The inner rage at being confined, yet exhaustion, because you know you have no fight left. You pass through the motions, muster a smile where necessary, and let the numbness take hold. Numbness is better than feeling.

Always will be. 

I wonder, if anyone ever happened to read these words someday, if they'd be saddened by this pathetic fucking existence. The most unremarkable, insignificant story likely ever told.

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